Chapter Seventeen

Thwack! The cue ball spun away from the end of the cue. Jon didn’t care whether it hit the target or not. What a fucking awful day. Dot and the boys had only stayed for a couple of hours before leaving with a hastily made up excuse. Even so she’d still managed to make him feel about yay small. Abby had done her best to keep the conversation light and bright and, well, flowing but even she’d had to admit defeat under the barrage of monosyllabic responses. The only bright part of the day had been spending time with his sons, even though Jesse hadn’t left his mum’s side the entire time. He hated the way she made him feel and she didn’t even have to say a word in order to do so. Just a look, an accusation made silently by eyes he was so familiar with and yet didn’t really know.

At least his mum seemed to like Abby. She’d pulled him aside as Abby had gone to the bathroom and had smiled and kissed his cheek. This was the closest she ever got to congratulating him. Even after all this time and every thing he’d achieved he couldn’t remember the last time he’d received a ‘well done son, I’m proud of you’ from her. It wasn’t fair. Tony and Matt had always been hugged and petted but not him; never him.

Mind elsewhere he took another shot, the colours blurring as a film of tears filled his eyes. Angrily he blinked them away. Now was not the time to get upset over a perceived familial slight.

He sighed and surveyed the table, its brightly coloured balls seemed to be mocking him in their garish frivolity. He slammed the cue down onto the green baize and rested, bent over the table, gripping the wood so hard veins stood out on his forearms. His head bent low as he stared unseeing. It wasn’t even a year since…since the accident…since his world had been shattered and turned upside down…

‘Fuck it, it wasn’t my fault. There was no way I could’ve stopped in time, all the cops said so.’ He muttered as he stepped back to line up his next shot.

Abby was in a strange mood. The drive back had been horrendous. Jon had pouted in silence all the way home. She’d tried to talk to him but after the first hour she’d stopped and had turned to watch the scenery flash by. It had been a long and uncomfortable drive back from New Jersey. Jon had walked into the house, dumped his coat on the sofa and headed off at such a speed she hadn’t been able to see which room he’d headed for. She’d heard a door slam and had decided not to follow. Instead she had taken the opportunity to go through all of the memorabilia that Jon had collected over the years. She tried to lose herself in the old memories that Jon had built up but couldn’t shake the feeling that she was in some way to blame for his mood. There was a thought that had been swimming round her head for a while, really ever since Jon had brought her to his house. Abby smiled wryly. She thought of it as home but it wasn’t really, was it? It was Jon’s home and she was just a guest, albeit a guest who was sleeping with the owner. Somewhere out there was her home, with all her belongings and a sense of who she was and she was just treading water here. The thought just wouldn’t go away. It was in this pensive mood that Jon found her, blindly staring at the tv screen blaring away.

“Hey babe, watcha doin?” he asked as he breezed into the den. A younger, fitter version of himself was running about on stage and he grimaced as he caught sight of himself.

“Abs?”

He muttered to himself as he looked for the remote to turn off the TV. ‘How the hell can you hear me with this playing loudly?’

He picked up the big remote control and clicked the TV off.

Abby came out of her reverie as the absence of noise filtered through to her. She turned to the man standing beside her.

“Jon!” she exclaimed, “Sorry I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Apparently so.” He drawled

“Sorry?” she asked, not getting it.

“The music? It was so loud, no wonder you couldn’t hear me. I called you a few times but go no reply. This den is sound proofed so I couldn’t hear you had the TV on until I came in.”

“Sorry I didn’t think you’d mind loud music.”

“It’s ok babe,” he sighed, “Listen, I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

Abby reached up for his hand, marvelling at the warmth of his flesh.

“Come and sit down Jon, I need to talk to you, and thank you. You really were in a shitty mood and it’s good to know it’s not me. I was worried for a bit that it was, that you didn’t want to take care of me anymore.”

“Oh hey hon, it wasn’t that, it would never be that. I like having you here…love having you here.” He said softly as he sat down next to her, not letting go of her hand.

“So…” he began, a soft smile playing on his lips.

“Who am I Jon?”

Jon felt the smile slip away and his stomach began to churn.

“Erm, you’re Abby.” He stated baldly.

“I know that, silly, I mean who is Abby? What does she like? What does she do for a living, where does she live for that matter? I have no idea who I am and I think it’s time I started to…” she faltered as Jon’s face fell.

“What?” she asked softly, “what’s wrong? Don’t you want to help me find out who I am? I mean I’m not even the same person you met.”

“I’ve already said I didn’t know you that well before, and I like who you are just fine.” He replied, a hint of stubbornness in his tone. He broke away from her and stood up.

“Like?” she whispered, staring down at the floor, not wanting, not able to look into his face just in case.

Jon crouched down until his face was next to hers.

“Abby?” he said, tenderly, “Abby, look at me…please?”

Abby looked into his eyes, expecting to see pity and saw something else entirely.

“I love you.” He whispered as he brought his lips down on hers.